NEW YEAR, NEW DANGER

Yes folks - whilst you've been eating your fattened goose, carolling and celebrating the birthday of lil' ol' baby Jesus, we at Artrumour have been working away in the manner of the busy investigative bees that we are. Before Christmas reports reached our ears that Channel 4 had commissioned a programme on the contemporary art world. Cool, you might think, until further reports reached us that the production company in charge were RBS Media.

RBS are responsible for the admittedly mildly diverting 'Faking It' last year in which they trained a public schoolboy to be a bouncer to see whether he could fool real bouncer-types. Now RBS and Channel 4 think it will be a jolly wheeze to do the same to the artworld and have found a decorator from North England who will be 'trained' as a contemporary artist in the space of around three to four weeks. So starting this week, reportedly at the Saatchi opening on Tuesday, Mr Decorator is being taken around openings learning who's who in the big, happy family that is contemporary art, as well as being introduced to various unsuspecting bods (that's you Mr and Mrs Art People) as the NEXT BIG THING. None of our sources quite know what the denouement of this wild and wacky project will be but it will presumably involve trying to dupe somebody (that's you again folks) into saying that Mr Decorator is in fact the next Damien Hirst.

Being kind folks at Artrumour we think YOU, the art-public should know, so that;

1. you will not be made to look like an arse on national television by agreeing that hmm, yes, he does paint well doesn't he?, and,

2. the whole let's take a northern handyman and turn him into something special is just a wee bit patronising, and,

3. we think television programmes along the lines of hey, isn't this contemporary art game a piece of piss are just plain old unfair to struggling little artists like us.

So if you're approached to comment on an artist you've never heard of before over the next 4 weeks, simply reply 'Looks like the work of a Northern decorator to me, love'. Alternatively feel free to drop a note to RBS at 48 Princes Place, W11 asking them if they have any forthcoming exhibitions coming up.

THIS IS NOT A RUMOUR OH NO

Will someone please reassure us that the rumour concerning the ad-man and the cake lady is just not true.

NEW YEAR, NEW JOBS

Well done Iwona Blazwick who has been appointed head honcho at the Whitechapel Gallery. Blazwick who is currently doing something important at Tate Modern (or the new Tate to you and me) is going to replace outgoing head honcho Catherine Lampert. Lampert's name has been synonymous with the Whitechapel since Nick Serota tootled off to Tate (formerly the Tate) and international fame, fortune and fast cars. Blazwick knows her stuff and is known for her internationalist outlook on contemporary art, so that's lovely. With her Tate experience perhaps she might be able to persuade the Whitechapel to change its name to 'Whitechapel'.

PERHAPS GOODBYE TO STRANGE GALLERY ON BRICK LANE

Some of you trendy Shoreditch types might have noticed the slightly puzzling Rossi Gallery on Brick Lane. The only exhibition of any interest it has were the photographs of Dazed and Confused editor and photographer of cool people like Kate Moss, Rankin. Unfortunately the gallery somewhat blew its indie credentials by insisting on charging a £2 entry fee to see Mr Rankin's art. Obviously the hordes of two-pound clutching punters failed to materialise because rumours are reaching us that the gallery is to close due to lack of cash. The owner, by the way, goes out with, erm, Rankin.

AND A SPECIAL PRIZE TO…

Norman Rosenthal. Undeterred by the critical slamming of 'Apocalypse', reports reach us that big Norm turned up in a magnificent Red Indian head-dress to the Royal Academy Christmas party surrounded by a gaggle of admiring cowgirls. It has not been revealed what master of James Bond disguises, Max Wigram turned up as. The RA threw political correctness and Native American land claims to the wind by theming its Christmas party 'Cowboys and Indians'. Well I guess we always knew they were a bunch of cowboys (cue canned laughter). Next year, we suggest vicars and tarts (you know which one you are Max).

Mucho thanks this week for scurrilous rumours: SH, 'Go-Go', AG, 'ducky'