The sickness that is 'theory' returns to haunt our shores.

Theory. It's everywhere. Well it is according to Jonathan 'Dane Bowers' Jones, the avuncular art critic of The Guardian. He says it's the reason why all recent American art is crap. And he says that the only reason young British art was ace was because they were too thick to do theory. But now he says our clever new post-young-British-artists are trying to do theory and the consequences could be tragic. We at Artrumour ask: What is theory? How much can you safely snort in one night? Can you catch it by snogging a 'theorist'? These sick people are out there and we are here to warn you. Be here, but most of all, beware.

What is it? Theory was invented by French intellectuals looking for a way to shag their students and justify it. It was then taken up by a bunch of self-styled art gurus in New York who set up the unreadable journal October devoted to the promotion of American photographer Cindy Sherman.

Is it catching? Yes according to outgoing head honcho at Goldsmiths College of Art, Michael Craig-Martin. Craig-Martin taught Damien Hirst and chums and because he was immune to theory, the young British artists were kept away from its nastiness. But now, according to M C-M, it's creeping back.

Is it a bad thing? Yes. 'Theoretical artists' are like European footballers forced to play their trade in Yorkshire. They might have fancy skills but they don't like it up 'em. Symptoms: anything that's too clever for it's own good.

How to avoid it: If you're an artist: refuse to read anything apart from Hello! and Harry Potter

If you're an art buyer: refuse to buy anything which doesn't look nice above the fireplace If you're a dealer: insist your artists make things which look nice

Remember: Theory - it's not clever and it's not big. Just don't do it.

NEWS: Turner aftermath: the inevitable bitching and recrimination starts here

As Artrumour reported last week on its web-site, the Turner Prize bash restored a bit of fizz to London's art scene. Alas the expected full-on scrap between Glenn Brown and the total unknown who he nicked an idea off never materialised, but there is still hope that some violence might emerge from this year's competition. Artrumour has learnt that Paul Hedge, owner of the Hales Gallery and dealer to Turner nominee Tomoko Takahashi has allegedly vowed to do something nasty involving fire to art critic's Matthew Collings' house after Collings described this year's Turner as 'so boring it's almost shocking'.

Hedge might be irate that Takahashi's bubble seems to have burst. The publicity shy artist had earned plenty of plaudits over the last couple of years for her kooky piles of junk, arranged in little piles. Thus the criticism her Turner entry received might come as a surprise to some following her career. However Artrumour can reveal that things had started to go wrong even earlier this year when Takahashi made an installation in Clissold Park, Hackney, involving debris from a park storeroom. Initially it was understood that local children could have bits of the installation after its run was over, with tennis rackets in particular featuring high on the local kiddies' wish-lists. But as local newspapers reported in outraged tones, when the children turned up they were told in no uncertain terms where to go. No reason was given but reports remain unconfirmed that several unscrupulous art dealers sent their children along with precise instructions as to what to nick, making the mysterious Takahashi change her mind.

INSIDER TRADING:

So you still haven't spent that money on lovely art have you? Come on - you know you want to. This week, riding our anti-theory wave we're going to concentrate on more old-fashioned stuff. So if you want stuff that your in-laws won't find too shocking, our advice is to head down to either Gimpel Fils at 30 Davies Street or Flowers East on Richmond Road in Hackney. Both galleries were set up decades ago and have suffered knocks to their reputations as they grew a bit old and unfashionable (they sell paintings and horrid things like that). But like an elderly relative who boogies in an embarrassing fashion at Christmas family get-togethers, each occasionally comes up with the goods. Gimpel Fils has got some prints for sale by old-timers like Terry Frost and young wannabe old-timers like Gary Hume. Flowers East has got its annual 'Small is Beautiful' show where you get to buy small pieces of art. Given that art dealers usually price things by size (they're clever like that) this means that much of it is relatively affordable.

THE RUSKINS

Right. The Turners are done and dusted. Now the real stuff begins - The Artrumour Ruskin Prize for shoddy art criticism. It's been a vintage year and the judges have had long and passionate debate about who should receive this accolade. Many came close. Howling mad Waldemar Januszczak was tipped by many to win, but we felt that would be the easy choice. David Lee of Art Review has alas fallen on his own sword and gone off to marry Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear fame. Outsiders received a few nominations as well, such as Sotiris Kyriacou who writes for an underground fanzine, Art Monthly. But the clear winner was the one and only Sarah Kent, Time Out's chief art critic. And, true to form Ms. Kent provided one of her best sentences ever this week on American painter Brice Marden: "This could be a procession of maenads dancing across the pediment of a Greek temple, a reminder that the American artist spends his summers on the Greek island of Hydra." Part travel brochure, part pointless biographical snippet, part pure nonsense - this is the stuff that wins major awards. Well done Sarah from all at Artrumour.

And that's the Ruskin's for this year aside from a couple of special mentions… Special mention for shameless nepotism in art publishing part 1 must go to frieze. frieze's website currently recommends a show by Clare Woods in fulsome terms: "Gazing into the dense surface thicket of these sumptuous paintings is like the fearful thrill of taking a night-time stroll in the forest…." Unfortunately the recommendation seems to have omitted to make clear whether this is the same Clare Woods who works as advertising representative for, erm, frieze.

Special mention for shameless nepotism in art publishing part 2 must go to…..wait for it….frieze. frieze's much vaunted editorial re-design is apparently on course to launch for the next issue. Major changes include having editors for special sections at the front. No-one knows who these will be but if word on the street is correct, being married to one of the founding editors is a good thing to have on your CV.