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Q:
I feel I am in cultural limbo, waiting passively at
a cultural bus station for something new to come along.
(Saddam Hussein, Kettering, Northants.)
A:
You are suffering from an illness called Massowitis.
Main symptoms: spouting semi-literate toss like "cultural
bus station" or "this new space will not be backed by
its own orthodoxy as perhaps some institutions have
become". You may also feel moved to start a high-security
pilot website www.culturetm.org, that can only be visited
by people wiling to give their passport and credit card
numbers, genetic fingerprint and asshole measurement
for your flies (sorry that should read files, ed.).
You may well be a former insurance peddler, you still
believe in art "movements" (and fairies no doubt) and
will soon be appointing a panel of "experts" to spot
"movements" in British art. Nothing like a good movement.
Amazingly you will attract a following of 3.000 artists!
(Whoever thought there were so many basket-munchers
surfing the Net?) You will be touting new "Internet
voting technology" which tracks visitors clicking on
specific artworks- more clicks equals better art! It's
"a facility where all-powerful curators could be proved
wrong, forcing them to rethink their choices"! Sadly
there is no cure for this, a modified form of another
well-documented condition that begins with "W".
---------------------------------
Q:
By working 3 hours in the college bar I can afford my
£15 entry fee for the Prospects 2002 Drawing competition.
This is still a real "Open" for emerging artists isn't
it? (A.
Poorbastard, Barking Art Academy)
A: Read the small print Mr/Ms Poorbastard! This competition
isn't just for students or recent graduate riffraff
anymore, "anyone" can submit. But can you really imagine
the likes of Langlands & Bell, Ian Davenport, Basil
Beattie, Quentin Blake or Richard Wilson risking rejection?
Or Paul Noble, Alison Wilding, Claude Heath, Georgie
Hopton or Charles Avery? Probably best spending the
£15 on a glass of crappy house red and a stuffed crust
with your sad cash-strapped chums, loser.
---------------------------------
Q:
Is it true Tate Modern Bookshop doesn't like its staff
querying its lack of security? Heh, heh, heh, evil laugh!
(A. Thief, Newington Butts.)
A: Despite your unfortunate name Mr/MsThief, we are
sure your question is innocent. ArtRumour has heard
from X, a temporary bookseller at T-Mod who dared to
query the security and point out the place is tea-leaf
heaven ("no visible cameras to deter what is assuredly
a rampant theft problem, no monitors for management
or staff to track people's movements, the existence
of other shops on other levels with no electronic barriers
or guards"). But in the grand tradition of shooting
the messenger the management apparently slung X out
on X's ear without notice (against the terms of X's
contract). After all, if X noticed a security chink
X is clearly a villain! Management are now rumoured
to be running a spot check on remaining staff to see
if they can spell the word "thief": if they can, they
probably are, so sack 'em too! Sacked personnel to be
kept at bay with a lifetime ban, which should probably
be extended to their friends, family, anyone who knows
them, plus anyone in the same telephone directory, just
to be on the safe side. So soon T-Mod's bokshop will
have no staff or customers (sorry we mean thieves) to
worry about, the shelves will remain full and they can
invest in some security cameras! D'oh!
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Q:
Why does T-Mod own such a crappy assortment of video
pieces? (Did anyone say "Sam Taylor Wood"? Shame!) Is
it true that previous Tate personnel failed to recognise
that video was a useful thing to get? Is it true that
staff are bending over backwards to acquire a major
US collection of video art to fill the gap? And what
does "bending over backwards" really mean? (A. Springroll,
Milton Keynes)
A: Beware the wrath of Thingor Overlord of Darkness
lowly cringing Springroll!
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Q:
My 4 year old could have painted that! (A. Pushy Parent,
Margate)
A: Congratulations. Embryo Tracy Emins (charming image
eh?) should submit work to the Barbie (TM) art competition
for 4-11 year olds. The £20K prize will buy at least
three Barbies at current prices. But kiddies beware
- don't try and fob the jury off with any of the "pretentious,
self-indulgent, craftless tat" ICA exhibitors get away
with- Lord Chief Justice Massow will be on the panel,
bullshit detector primed and ready. [Why doesn't he
use it on himself? Ed.] In a tried and trusted voting
method (see above) the general public will also have
their say on the nominees. Ok! Ready with the mouse!
Samantha aged 4 from Shropshire and her teddy drawing;
do we hate it beyond belief, think it's not so bad or
love it to bits? Click now!
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Q:
I'm looking for a really horrible job. (A. Masochist,
London)
A: "Manage Proud Camden, one of London's most popular
photo galleries with over 70 000 paying visitors a year...
a wide and varying role, from project managing all the
exhibitions at Proud through to daily cashing up it
is never dull. You need to be good with figures, able
to sell and deal confidently with the public, be highly
presentable as a result, handle and manage staff underneath
you, organise and be totally responsible for everything
that goes on in the Gallery... organise all the opening
nights, be in charge of all money and sales at the Gallery,
help chose and then manage new exhibitions, project
manage sponsorship at the Gallery, TOTALLY trustworthy
and able to manage your own time with little supervision,
communicate well with a tough and sometimes difficult
boss, work long hours and be totally dedicated to your
job, be creative and able to give the Gallery your own
input and flavour, create new and better management
and control structures, help to increase sales, essentially
have your gallery operating like clockwork and looking
fantastic... Hours: At least 9.30 - 7.30 5 days a week,
with some overtime and occasional Saturdays and late
evenings." So what are you waiting for?
---------------------------------
Q:
I'm a well-known filthy-rich British sculptor who makes
work about the Vast Awesome Forces of the Universe,
wow! So may I fire my long-term studio assistants without
giving them any notice or redundancy pay? Go on, say
Yes. (A. Richbastard, Hemel Hempstead)
A: No, vast forces or not, you'll probably get sued.
However studio assistants are lesser mortals, after
all they only make the stuff. So if you do the chances
nobody will notice and your reputation for being a very
fine person will remain intact. Rules are for little
people, as Leona Helmsley might once have remarked.
--------------------------------
Q:
Is there a link between Sam Taylor Wood and the North?
(A. Coal In The Bath, Sunderland)
A:
Only your money it appears. Some cruel bastards say
STW has never made a good piece in her life, but others
say the last "good" piece she made was Pent-Up (1996),
originally paid for by the Northern Gallery for Contemporary
Art as a major Northerly contribution to the Year of
Visual Arts. It got further ACE funding on the basis
that such a high-profile project would tempt an international
audience to the land of pies. But it seems Jay and the
White Cube Crew balked at the idea of all those train
rides and the Eurotrash having to rub shoulders with
all those smelly flat-cap-wearing unemployed pie-munchers
so the piece premiered at the Chisenhale (making void
the rationale for all that heavy funding and doubtless
making STW a certain amount of money). To compound the
insult, it seems the Hayward's team managed to mess
up the credit, acknowledging three different Sunderland
organisations for the commission. Eh well at the end
of the day they're only Northerners...
--------------------------------
Q:
Chris Burden. Sunderland. £200K or £300K?
A:
£300K
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Q:
My BA art course has run out of HB pencils. Might I
apply for some extra cash, say about £60K, from the
ACE? (A. Nartteacher, Nuneaton)
A: No chance matey. Try nicking some biros from the
local Argos, youre only teaching artists for godıs sake.
That £60K is already earmarked for the RCA's curating
course.
Q:
Why's that? Do other visual art courses get that sort
of money from the ACE?
A:
Don't push your luck sonny. Or the Hounds of Thingor
Overlord of Darkness will come and devour your firstborn.
Q:
That's a bit unneccessary.
A:
Look, we've warned you
--------------------------------
Q: Why do pig ugly male art curators always seem to
manage to have artist girlfriends who are stunningly
good looking? (A.N. ArtRumour Correspondent, Woking)
A: How dare you assume we at ArtRumour are not members
of the pig community, A.N.? Seriously, we can't guess
who you mean. Send more details.
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Q: I haven't had a square meal in weeks. Please advise.
(A. Moth, Southwark)
A: No-one seemed to take much notice of the art at the
Bloomberg opening, but it did have liters of champagne
with a straw, delicatessen constantly brought round
on silver plates, a 200 liter aquarium filled with wild
berries, and mountains of cheese, cakes and ice cream.
Nothing for moths though. T-Mod could be the place to
go but don't expect to dine off Joseph Beuys's Felt
Suit or Rebecca Horn's Ravens Half Moon, they have already
been half-eaten by your relations and squirted with
Moth Killer. But you might find a lot of woolly stuff
between the ears of the next Director, if the plans
of Thingor Overlord of Darkness come to pass. Bon appetit!
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PS: Who is the next Director of T-Mod? (A. Moth, Southwark)
A: Vicente Todoli. According to the press text in the
last thirteen years he has curated shows by sixteen
men, two women, and no moths. So get stuffed, wool-muncher.
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