NEWS:

Saturday nights will never be the same again as that old favourite Match of the Day slides into oblivion. In honour of television's finest hour, Artrumour sings: Parp! Parp! Pa-parp pa-parp, pa-parp-parp! Paaaarp-pa-pa-parp-pa-pa! And just like the football season, the art world has its winners, losers and middle-aged men in black shirts running around and blowing whistles (stand up Nicholas Logsdail!). This week's transfer news features the Anthony Reynolds Gallery which looks like becoming the West Ham of the art world. Turner Prize winner and burly left-back Steve McQueen has recently left, and now news has reached Artrumour that that busy little midfielder Georgina Starr is on her way out as well. But all's not doom and gloom in the Dering Street headquarters, as the gallery looks forward to taking Venice by storm. As you kids know, it's Mark Wallinger's big year and the lumbering striker could be the man to put the gallery back in the race for promotion. The referee's a wanker! (erm, perhaps it's time to end this extended metaphor).

ESSENTIAL PARTY INFORMATION

Of course what's in Wallinger's show is of secondary importance to the burning question of whether the British Council will fuck up the party big time like the last Biennale fiasco. The Gary Hume party thrown that time round was cleverly held in an (admittedly pretty) shoebox leaving hundreds of angry art folk baying to get in, despite only having yet another Jarvis Cocker set to look forward to if they did succeed. This time round though it seems that the Council have learnt and sorted out a far larger venue, although paradoxically they're being meaner with the guest-list this year. So make sure you're looking the part so Marjorie lets you past the bouncers.

WHAT SHALL I WEAR?

This year in Venice, Artrumour will be wearing Christian Dior fishnets, Bottega Veneta fingerless gloves and a Louis Vuitton cashmere vest.

HOWEVER…

Artrumour won't be wearing that the next time we visit the Macbeth. As reported in a previous issue, the previously seedy Hoxton pub famous for being the favourite drinking spot of the robust controller from Hoxton Cars, has been going all arty. Curator Michael Gillespie has been taking video art to the locals with the monthly 'Pit Pony' night, and according to reports things are going rather strangely. The first showing ended up with a young arty person throwing beer over herself much to the puzzlement of pub locals, a group of whom started shouting 'You are the weakest link' for no obvious reason. And the second set of screenings had to be paused whilst a naked couple were removed. Artrumour says: make mine a half, love.

IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF REAL ART?…

asks Artrumour's favourite motoring correspondent, the Evening Standard's Brian Sewell. The ageing critic wrote a moving piece in the Standard asking for real people (that's you and me folks!) to send in nominations of proper art. According to the venerable critic, this might be "an artist, working in Newquay perhaps" or somebody who delights "casual visitors" (and I know I certainly do). We didn't read much of the rest of the article - there was some bit about German gay porn which at Artrumour certainly fires our imagination, so we're nominating Lothar Lende, star of the groundbreaking movie 'Herr Hüftgürtel'.

ADRIAN SEARLE WATCH

Artrumour exclusively revealed some time back that Adrian Searle enjoys spare ribs and rice (inaccurately described as "a lonely lunch") at Viet Hoa in Shoreditch. We can now exclusively reveal that when in Oxford the man from the Guardian enjoys a pint in the White Horse on Broad Street. Artrumour says: cheers Adrian!

JAKE AND DINOS SHOCK NEWS

Yes, it's true. For the first time ever in living memory there was no violence at the opening to a Brothers Chapmans show. Artrumour suggests: go and marvel at their deformed yet cutesy kittens at Modern Art!

AND THE EARLY BATH AWARD GOES TO…

Contemporary Visual Arts. Rumours have been flying all week that the glossy art magazine that no-one seems to buy had finally gone under. Extensive investigations reveal that although it's disappeared the mag vows to be back in the Autumn. The official story is that the publisher sold most of his interests a couple of months back and they're "following their own path." This 'path' involves not having a summer issue, moving out of their office and blocking access to their web-site, but Artrumour would not wish to cynically suggest it's a dead-end or at least a path leading to that frightening bit at the bottom of the garden.

AND FINALLY…

The art world's just about to decamp to Venice. Those lovely people from the frieze website are offering some sort of text messaging service to tell you where to go and what to see. Check it out. Or simply follow Artrumour's advice: wear the most expensive clothing you have and drink plenty of gin.